Thursday, September 26, 2013

SO PLEASED TO MEET YOU - Notes on "Yet", Track 6 from the CD "because there's nothing outside"- a companion piece to the book "God in Chains"



     "Yet" is about coming home to oneself- to the peace and wisdom that lies within us. Some people refer to this as "god" or the divine, or a higher self, or the soul. Others think there is nothing at all good to be found within us. I used to be the latter.
     What is at issue is whether it is wise or safe to "trust one's self." We all know that sometimes we cannot trust our feelings or thoughts regarding what may be truly going on- but this is not the sort of trust that I am speaking of. For a long time, I identified "myself" as exactly those things: my feelings, my thoughts, and more than anything else, my beliefs.  It is through different practices of awareness and self-examination that I have been able to create some distance between those experiences and my identity.  Today, I would say that I HAVE feelings and thoughts and beliefs, but those things are not me, or at least not the whole nor core of me. 
          Perhaps one of the things that made me open to the idea of trusting what was inside of me was the mysterious experience of writing songs, starting around age 16.  This experience does not happen with my direct thinking, but comes from somewhere deeper. It might be better to say the process is some dance between my conscious mind and something deeper- the unconscious or soul or whatever it actually may be.  What is clear to me is that the less I try to control it consciously and the more I let go and trust, the more likely a song will simply arrive.  The best songs seem to just pop into existence out of this place within.  Now, some believers will probably warn that this could be the work of satan or demons, but let me point out that I began songwriting for the explicit purpose of singing about god and jesus christ, so the first several years of having this experience resulted in songs preaching the gospel- so, was this coming from the devil?! I was having a direct experience of trusting what was within me- and yes, this always seemed to go against the direction the christians around me were pointing me and themselves to.
     After all, our prime example, the man who most got to speak for god and the godly life, Paul of Tarsus, certainly did not encourage us to look within.  Couched in the language of "the sinful nature of the flesh," Paul seemed convinced that nothing good dwelled in him. He clearly had not had any experience that would indicate it was safe to trust what was within him. Nor, did there seem to be anyone around to show him how loving awareness toward himself could provide the path to transformation.  Instead, he encouraged everyone and himself to run away as far as possible from him "self" and even more, to regard the self as something to feel ashamed of and to condemn.
     One very important quality that I have found in practicing inner awareness has been that moving beyond the habits in myself that I find destructive or harmful requires unconditional acceptance first, gentleness if you will.  There is no way that I can see that I could have held on to the idea of my "sinful nature" and seen any real change.  In other words, my belief in my nature just being "sinful" and that it would "always be sinful" just kept those aspects of me in place, it gave me no opportunity for transformation.  On some level, this was okay with me as a believer, because all that "really" mattered was that I was saved and going to heaven when I died- transformation here and now didn't really matter in light of that.   
      So why use the term transformation? Can something we call "evil" in ourselves actually be transformed? Yes, in my experience it can.  I agree with what George MacDonald says at the end of Phantastes, "What we call evil, is the only and best shape, which for the person and his condition at the time, could be assumed by the best good." In CS Lewis' The Great Divorce, we see a man on the outskirts of heaven, who is being encouraged to let go of his lust- a dismal lizard sitting on his shoulder- so that he can go further into heaven. An angel is hovering with his fingers ready to kill the lizard if the man only gives permission.  Once the man says yes, go ahead and kill him, what happens is astonishing: the lizard isn't in fact killed. Rather, it reveals itself- it is transformed- into a great stallion called passion that the man climbs up on and rides into the mountains of paradise.  What is illustrated to me here are a couple very important things: anything "evil" or harmful is truly a distortion of something good- in other words, at its heart is something good, something that it can be restored to.  Also, therefore, the approach to it is not actually to kill it, but to let it go and be transformed, restored to its right state.  This describes very well the sort of thing I have experienced within myself.
     Of course, letting go of things so precious to us can feel like dying, like we are going to die without it. I can tell you that as a believer, one thing I never expected to be invited or called to let go of was my christian beliefs, and I certainly believed there would only be misery on the other side.  Nevertheless, there came a point in my life where it became more and more clear to me that the truth my beliefs were telling me was in conflict with the truth my experience was telling me.  I was at a decision, a crossroads, where I had to decide which direction to go- away from within, toward the truth of my beliefs, or inward, toward the truth of my being.  
     In essence, this was a choice between a position of condemnation toward myself, or a position of grace, gentleness, acceptance and trust.  I am making a distinction here between the idea of grace and the idea of being forgiven. Being forgiven means being let off the hook for the sin of "my wretchedness," it keeps "my wretchedness" in place and makes sure that I don't forget the favor being done to me.  Grace to me is something completely different- "Grace finds goodness in everything," says the U2 song. 
     One thing for certain is that being pulled in these two opposite directions was putting an amazing amount of strain on my sanity. I truly believed this battle I had created in myself was a noble one- it was how human life was supposed to be.  I had no clue that healing, that inner joy and peace, a place clear of that inner war, was even available.  What was even more suprising was to find that this experience is actually available independent of any theological test-it is like a well out in the open to which anyone can walk up and draw water from.  The question of theology matters only because it either points us away or toward that well.
     Precisely - and only -because I am no longer attached to my former theological beliefs, some of my christian friends have indicated or hinted that they believe I am sacrificing my eternal salvation in the process of finding this inner peace and joy.  I have a hard time believing that any loving deity would be against the healing I have found and witnessed in others. On the other hand, it is clear that many BELIEVERS are hostile to and even against such healing, just as I once was- so much so that I would venture to suggest that if there is indeed an afterlife, when these believers arrive at the outskirts of heaven, they will be perfectly content staying right there, on the outskirts, still holding on tightly to their beliefs, having no idea or care that heaven is offering them more if they only could summon the courage- and grace - to let go.


Yet
Happy birthday to you
You made it this far
After so long, it's through
Believing nothing
So pleased to meet you
Yea, come on in
Been waiting for you
I'll give you love like a new born feeling
I'll give you love like you've never seen it yet
Yet

Happy birthday to you
You made it this high
After so long, it's through
Believing a lie
So nice to have you
Yeah, sit right there
Been looking forward
I'll serve you love like a new born feeling
I'll serve you love like you've never tasted yet
Yet

So pleased to meet you
Yeah, it's well known
You've been looking for me
I've been right at home
So nice to have you
Yeah, come on in
Been waiting for you
I'll give you love like a new born feeling
I'll give you love like you've never seen it yet
Yet
Yet
Copyright 2011 Inkling Music, all rights reserved

godinchains.com
markdavisandtheinklings.com

Monday, August 26, 2013

Notes on "Black Cloud" - track 6 from "because there's nothing outside", companion piece to the book 'god in chains'



Black Cloud is many people’s favorite song on the album- perhaps on the song’s own merit, but maybe also because it’s the first sign of light after the first five tracks which, I admit, are rather heavy (as if “Black Cloud” isn’t a heavy title itself!). 
I like the contrast of speaking both of a flood being held inside oneself as well as a sun- I think it’s M. Scott Peck who said that we can’t shut down our grief without also shutting down our joy- any shut down goes in both directions.  And so, if a person is operating primarily from one of control, which in my perspective is usually some attempt to avoid grief, that person is most definitely restricting him or herself from experiencing joy as well.  That was a strange discovery for me- I had a picture of what joy and happiness would look like, but when I got there it was something completely different, and if I had held onto my prior beliefs about joy, I would have never gotten there. 
The universe, god, reality, whatever, seems to always be offering much more than I am willing to receive- I try to find the places where I am not receptive and let go of my need for control- I do the letting go, the opening up.  I’m the one who has to open the door because I am the one who has shut it. Imagining that it is locked by someone on the other side is a deception-- a distraction from acknowledging the fruits of my own doing and the choice I have to undo it.

Mark Davis, San Luis Obispo, August 26, 2013


BLACK CLOUD


Black cloud hanging up above
and I’m thinking ‘bout the flood I’m holding in
She falls soaking into me
and I’m thinking that it’s time that I begin

Have I been looking for the key
to a door that’s never locked never been?
If it’s really only me
I’m thinking that it’s time to let me in

Black cloud hanging up above
and I’m thinking ‘bout the sun I’m holding in
She shines soaking into me
And I’m thinking not to join in is a sin

Have I been looking for the key
to a door that’s never locked never been?
If it’s really only me
I’m thinking that it’s time to let me in

I’m gonna get out of the way
I’m gonna get out of the mood
I’m gonna get off of this train
I’m gonna get into that big wide room
Big wide room, big wide room…

Black cloud hanging up above
But I’m thinking now your love is gonna win
No use digging in the mud
For an answer that’s still blowing in the wind

Have I been looking for the key
to a door that’s never locked never been?
If it’s really up to me
I’m thinking that it’s time to let me in


C 2011 Inkling Music, music and words by Mark Davis

markdavisandtheinklings.com
godinchains.com

Tuesday, August 6, 2013

What Am I Doing With This Cross? Thoughts on “Only You”- track 6 from “Because There’s Nothing Outside,” companion piece to the book “God in Chains”




“Only You” is about the confusion one feels when the drug called “God” refuses to fix us, when one realizes the cup of suffering won’t be taken away, in spite of our most desperate prayers.

Is it an understatement to say that some adults carry unresolved issues? It’s quite possible that all of us do. After all, as children we may not have had the facilities nor the guidance to fully and properly process any traumatic experiences.  And so, our survival instincts kicked in and had us bury and escape the full brunt of the trauma.  It is common knowledge (I think) that depending upon the degree of trauma that is buried, the interference in an adult’s life can be extreme and chronic.

We often say of the addict -- be it to drugs, alcohol, sex, work, chronically “falling in love” or any other process or substance -- that he or she is using it as an escape.  It’s understood that there is something inside them that they are running from- they are turning away from themselves in some way.  We call the using of a drug a “fix,” because the user believes on some level it’s going to fix the problem. We on the outside looking in know that the drug, whatever it is, won’t work. The trauma will still be there waiting… until and unless the addict can turn toward themselves and find a way to bring healing.

At the age of 16, I fell in love with God.  I felt like I had found the great Fix in the sky and that the grief and trouble of my past was erased and gone. I was as high as a kite.  The model here was similar to the addict model: turn my eyes away from myself and my troubles and turn my eyes to the Savior Jesus Christ.  At some point, eventually, the comedown came for me. The old troubled undercurrents in me returned, and it made no sense to me.  I would have preferred to forget myself and those troubles- so, why wasn’t God taking them away and allowing me to forget myself?  From other believers around me, I was hearing things like, “don’t let Satan tempt you into sadness and anger,” “give it to the cross”, “read more scripture”- no one ever suggested to me to move toward myself.  Our doctrine said explicitly that my nature was sinful, so there wasn’t going to be any solution there within me. I would “always be a sinner,” but no worries- my salvation lied in Jesus- it was only him that mattered…
No one in the church apparently knew what transformation actually looked like- not even in scripture- and so no one could tell me or show me the way out.  If someone did have it, or if it was to be found in scripture, no one ever shared it with me, at least. And, as I’ve said, the clear message given to me was to more or less use God like a drug - as a distraction from the devil in me.

Because part of me was determined to find healing, I slowly turned to other spiritual heritages and to the field of psychology for guidance and wisdom. I know today that the only way “out” of my trouble was to face the so-called devil in me, with gentleness and compassion (exactly the opposite of what the church advised!).  I also know today that inside of me, hidden within the buried grief that we made a devil out of, was a wealth of joy and life that I didn’t believe or know was even possible here on earth…   
 ---

David Zink helped with the lyrics and with the chords in the middle bridge.  Todd Compton and I arranged the strings on the spot in the studio.

Mark Davis 08/06/2013 San Luis Obispo, CA


Only You


We put my ugly things away
We sent them to the shadows
For you were coming in to stay
It’s only you that matters
It’s only you that matters

What am I doing with this cross?
You said I would not suffer
And if I turned away I’m lost
It’s only you that matters

And when the night comes crashing down again
I get the funny little feeling you’re no friend
What is a man to do with all he cannot mend?
It’s only you that matters

Forgive my need, forgive my fight
Forget this useless chatter
Don’t look at me, don’t look inside
Turn up the heat, turn off the light
We’re going undercover
You’ve got to get me through the night
You’ve got to get me through the night
It’s only you that matters

‘Cause when the night comes crashing down again
I get the funny little feeling you’re no friend
Am I to follow you to hell and back again?
It’s only you that matters

When you took me in
There was light, it was wonderful
You were like a bridge to the light
You were wonderful

What am I doing with this cross?
Why don’t you take away my cross?

All rights reserved C2012 Davis/Zink, Inkling Music/Papa’s Moon

www.markdavisandtheinklings.com

Sunday, June 2, 2013

What is the book "god in chains"?


Part memoir, part poetry, part theological exploration…
Mark Davis’ debut work of prose is indeed the telling of a deeply personal journey: he is raised Catholic, has a born-again experience in his late teens, proceeds to “inform” his non-believing friends that they are going to hell… until some years later…
god in chains opens with the very real moment when Mark awoke in his bedroom and realized his grip on those beliefs (or their grip on him?) had loosened.
There’s someone else in the room with him, telling the story.
Can this voice be trusted?
Should anyone trust it?
Should you?


god in chains is a companion piece to the mark davis and the inklings CD, because there’s nothing outside  

www.godinchains.com

Wednesday, May 29, 2013

Don't Keep Me Up Here: Notes on “The Ground” – track four from the CD "because there’s nothing outside," companion piece to the book, "god in chains"


Don't Keep Me Up Here: Notes on “The Ground” – track four from the CD because there’s nothing outside, companion piece to the book, god in chains:

  An Imagined Jesus is the voice telling the story in this song. An imagined Jesus (aren’t they all?!) who is tired of people placing him up there in the sky, pretending that he wasn’t really a man, but some god “out there” who put on a man-mask for theological purposes only…in other words, the belief is that there was nothing blessed or holy about Jesus’ humanness, because there is nothing blessed about “human” at all- and, while you’re at it, throw the earth in there as well.  
As you might guess, I believe differently.   My experience of human is that, yes, we are sometimes terrifying, AND that we are equally if not more beautiful; And the planet? Well, I have only experienced the “holy” and “blessed” here, in a million different ways.  I don’t know if it exists anywhere else.  I’d be afraid to miss something if I insisted that the “divine” was only, truly “out there” in some other place that isn’t here, and that can’t be found in humanity.  I understand someone feeling that way, but it simply is not my experience.
And so, we have these characters in the song, each wishing they were somewhere else besides here. And we have Jesus saying “Don’t keep me up here” with those earth- and human-hating beliefs.

The whispering at the top of the track is a prayer I learned in my childhood, The Act of Contrition.  It’s a truly terrifying homage to the hatred of one's humanness… “Oh my god I am heartily sorry for having offended thee…etc…etc...”
I have a memory of going to confession during catholic mass once when I was a kid. Up above the priest’s door the sign said "Fr. Harnett," which was the absolute worse thing for my siblings and I to see up there.  Father Harnett was something like Mr. Burns from The Simpsons: old and balding and eternally grouchy…It was no small act of bravery for me to enter that confessional.  Now, I was a good kid- I knew my prayers well, including the aforementioned god-I’m-a-piece-of-shit recital called the Act of Contrition. The problem was that just at the moment Father Burns asked me to say the stupid prayer, they broke into song outside in the church.  It was a song I liked- and, like today, my musical ear will easily take me away if entertained by a pleasant melody.  The best I could do was offer up to Father Burns, who obviously had no similar musical ear, nor a sense of humor, some kind of hybrid of the Act of Contrition and Hosanna In the Highest! I don’t remember his punishment- probably that I had to go home and say the prayer 200 times before I would be forgiven...
...and also, that I would remember displeasing Father Harnett for the rest of my life!
On the recording, the prayer-whispering was sent through a tape delay effect so that by the second half of the song it has fed back on itself so much that it has become the beautiful/ugly distortion you hear on the quiet verse and chorus.  Quite fitting, I think!
The chord changes on the chorus were suggested by my good friend, Danette Christine- I think it lifted the song to a more “divine” place than it was before…

The Ground



i know a girl named suzie who channels wisdom from the dead
they sit around mulling over the questions rolling ‘round her head
and the ghosts say “suzie your troubles soon will be gone
along with the hundred haunted memories you don’t want”
and there’s always marshall who dreams about moving up
in the office at midnight sipping on a bitter cup
haven’t seen him in a year now he’s got so many things to do
if you’re gonna get to heaven on earth you gotta push on through
all of these people who want to fly
i can’t blame them so did i
now that i’m up here on this cloud
i just want my feet back on the ground

for sweet maria life has been awful cruel
man if i was in her place i don’t know what i would do
when i drop by to see her i can tell she’s always crying
she’s watering the greener pastures swimming ‘round in her eyes
all of these people who want to fly
i can’t blame them so did i
now that i’m up here on this cloud
i just want my feet back on the ground
i just want my feet back on the ground

i just want to love and lose and hurt like you
i swear there’s nothing wrong
i just want live and die see through your eyes
i swear there’s nothing wrong
there’s nothing wrong

but for you there is a kingdom floating high above your head
and ‘cause you got faith now you’re gonna go there when you’re dead
and then you’re gonna be perfect you’re gonna be without sin
i can hear a billion voices crying “jesus won’t you let me in”
all of you people who want to fly
i can’t blame you so did i
you got me up here on this cloud
i just want my feet back on the ground
i just want my feet back on the ground
don’t keep me up here
don’t keep me up here
don’t keep me up here on this cloud
i just want my feet back on the ground

c 2012 Inkling Music/Strong Left Hook Music, all right reserved

www.godinchains.com
www.markdavisandtheinklings.com

Thursday, May 16, 2013

Notes on Your Photograph, Track 3 from the CD because there's nothing outside, companion piece to the book God in Chains.


Notes on Your Photograph, Track 3 from the CD because there's nothing outside, companion piece to the book God in Chains. 

This melody and lyric came to me very quickly, again with no clear idea of what I was writing.  I do remember having the idea to start the melody/lyric on the second chord rather than the first- that is, once the singing starts we have switched the order of the chords.
With the lyrics: sometimes there’s simply an interior, intuitional logic that is at work- when a line like “Something your photograph doesn’t see” shows up, there’s a million possible meanings, yet also something that the line encompasses, some way that it drives what other lyrics will come along- I don’t know how else to explain it!  Clearly, I had spiritual things on my mind...

This recording was fun to cobble together.  Besides the basic rhythm guitar and vocal, much of it was accidental and experimental, one of my favorite ways to work. For instance, I had my friend, Simon Lynge (from Greenland), play guitar on this track with very little instruction. He did several passes. On a couple of them, he spontaneously broke into playing “drums” vocally- completely on his own volition. I ended up taking a couple measures of this and looping it, coming in on the second verse.  I also cut and pasted the guitar parts Simon played, moving them around to my fancy, sometimes repeating parts, sometimes using several parts at one time.  This is a sort of studio “sound painting” process that I enjoy very much.

This is the first track on the album to feature Al Wolovitch on bass guitar (I played the bass on the prior two).
 



your photograph

because everything is moving/i know nothing is worth proving/is god love is god a monster?/sometimes love feels like a monster/not for you it must be/something your photograph doesn’t see/no one can make you make you believe/something your photograph doesn’t see/because i don’t trust the surface/these two eyes just make me nervous/is she real is she a vision?/‘cause right now she is my religion/not for you she must be/something your photograph doesn’t see/i’ll never make you make you believe/something your photograph doesn’t see/because everything is shifting/i know i can’t keep this with me/all that’s mine is only borrowed/gone today back tomorrow/not for you it must be/something your photograph doesn’t see/i’ll never get through it’s plain to me/something your photograph doesn’t see/something your photograph doesn’t see/something your photograph doesn’t see/it’s something, your photograph

c 2012 Inkling Music/all rights reserved

www.markdavisandtheinklings.com
www.godinchains.com




Thursday, May 2, 2013

Notes on "Spoiling The Game" Track 2 from the CD "because there's nothing outside", companion piece to the book, "god in chains"


Notes on "Spoiling The Game" Track 2 from the CD because there's nothing outside, companion piece to the book, god in chains:

Whenever I’ve made an album of songs, I’ve gravitated toward some kind of consistent approach in the recording process of the songs because I was looking for a way to connect them together, even if it is in very subtle ways.  One of these ways that I stumbled upon with Because There’s Nothing Outside was the use of a tape delay effect in the recording software. I actually don’t even know what it’s technically doing , but I found myself running already recorded parts through different effects just to see what would happen. And what happens with the tape delay if you bring it up to a certain point, it starts feeding back on itself, adding more and more effect on top of what you just effected. One thing that’s fun about that is that you can’t start the track in the middle, say at 2 minutes in and have the same result- that’s because the effect would start being applied where you start- this can be frustrating if you’re trying to mix just one specific spot but you don’t have all the parts there! However, I really like the “live” aspect of this effect- that’s it’s happening as you listen.
Anyway, on Spoiling the Game, you hear a little of this on the last verse- I took a clip of David’s (Zink) guitar part – that you here clean earlier in the song- and looped it and ran it through some distortion and tape delay. I love the way it just sits there and floats…
As for the lyric, this is one of those that just came to me in about 10 minutes and while I was writing it I had really no idea where it was taking me- or only intuitively maybe.  The idea that we can get stuck in an identity (a “game”) and not realize we’re choosing it, the sheer will with which we are capable of defending them, whether or not it’s wise to let go of such a construct- it’s all there… It’s amusing (to me) that the narrator’s is admitting his game is threatened at the end, though he also is wishing for someone else’s game to be shut down/shut up… Throughout my life, I have found myself letting go of many different contructs that I have made (as those who read God in Chains will see)- it could happen again for all I know… What scares me is when someone is unwilling to be wrong.  How can that possibly leave room for growth?


spoiling the game

sally looks into the mirror/but she doesn’t see her face/just a wrinkle she despises/needs to be erased/she knows a doctor ‘round the corner/she knows he’ll do his trick again/she can’t resist his magic fingers/no and he won’t spoil her game/billy joe he has a problem/he wants to find his way back home/but the streets all look the same here/no matter where he roams/he’s been walking for so long now/that he’s senile blind and lame/could have always hailed a taxi/but he did not want to spoil his game/eve and adam ate the apple/and the rest was then arranged/there’s a price for every pleasure/a loss in every gain/but there’s no good in throwing stones now/‘cause you and i we’d choose the same/who’d want to go and start from scratch anyway?/who’d want to go and spoil the game?/jesus was a story spinner/at least that’s what the stories say/seems he’d only gotten started/when they took his tongue away/now i just can’t get away from/people spinning in his name/i wish he’d come back shut them all up keep them all from/spoiling the game/‘cause they’re trying to spoil my game

c 2012 Inkling Music/all rights reserved